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Yes Means Maybe, Maybe Means No, No Means Hell No

Coming off a few DC local tech-ish events this week, I’m thinking back to the intersection of social media and real-world meetups. (I go there a lot, because social gatherings are what really put the “social” in social media.)

To riff on Howard Rheingold, you know an online community is truly a valuable part of your life when those relationships benefit your offline life — you go to parties, babysit each others’ kids, develop business links, fall in love, etc.

This time, though, I was thinking about another impact of online networks on offline interactions — the event RSVP.

For starters, do people even send out paper invitations and RSVPs anymore, other than for formal events (weddings and fancy dress dinners) where the invitation and RSVP are still part of the ritual? Has the realm of the birthday party invite been completely taken over by Facebook and Evite? Do little kids still get paper birthday invites to take home, or are the contacts all parent-to-parent now?

The decline of the paper RSVP we can chalk up to the march of progress. But the replacement, the online RSVP, has its own implications. We, of course, see the phenomena outlined by NYT writer Hal Niedzviecki, where he learned that a Facebook “yes” is actually a “maybe”, and a “maybe” is usually a “no.” (I definitely saw it in full effect for one meetup last week, where the turnout was shockingly lower than the online RSVPs would have suggested.)

Given that it’s so easy to RSVP online, and to update your RSVP if you need to, why do so many people say “yes” when they mean “maybe,” and “maybe” when they mean “no”?

Maybe it’s because of the paralysis induced by too many choices. Though I think that the way people deliberately overbook themselves is a rational strategy — it’s so they can maximize their social capital and ensure that they hold out to the last minute for the very “best” event. And this process, of course, got a whole lot easier with the public attendee list, where you can see who else (ostensibly) is going to be there.

It’s rare these days that I see an event host hide an RSVP list. By keeping attendee lists public, they change from informational utilities solely for the host, to a marketing opportunity for both the host and the attendee. The host shows off, “Hey, these are all the cool people who are interested in my event,” and the attendee shows, “Hey, I’m cool enough to be attending this event.”

Of course, it could be rudeness. Though it’s probably more likely the desire not to be rude — when your RSVP response is public, you’re transmitting more than your actual attendance — you’re showing off your allegiance to the group, and also endorsing the event with your alleged attendance. (Maybe we need a new category to help hosts in their planning: “I would if I could, but I can’t, but you should.“)

True rudeness would be attending but not responding. I mean, that doesn’t help anyone, right?

And what of the poor “no”? No still means no, but it better be an honest no with a legit explanation, because if you make an excuse and people see that you just decided to go to another event (via your Twitter or other social media tool)… that don’t look so good.

Anyway, enough rambling. I’m an anachronism — I try to say yes only when I mean actually mean yes. How about you — what strategies do you employ when you’re a host of an event, versus when you’re an event attendee — how do you take into account the public nature of your RSVP? Please leave a comment and help out all those poor event planners out there try update their attendance formulas.

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